willingly I accept your proposal to take and share my feelings of disappointment to the Tribe.
Sorry for my not perfect language, my grammar is not so good.
You are right when you speak my disappointment is due to a deep feeling of missing an appointment.
Of course in a figurative sense ; I’ve used the word “disillused” in my last post because it describes my inner feelings.
I began working on Wall Street and global financial markets since April 2000, soon after graduating in mathematical sciences and engineering.
I was very young, and in common to many people who starts trading at first I was a huge scalper : stock markets like Nasdaq and Xetra were my daily fields of battle during these last days of the Tech Bubble.
Two years later I got to study a bit about options , and contemporary raised my interests in the science of projecting a mechanical trading system.
A very difficult road , of course, you know better than me.
But I always have loved the markets and how they weave together, so the time I’ve spent for years in analysis and backtestings – and contemporary the disappointments for the problems I’ve had until then in communicating and sharing all my results and feelings with other traders were not so important for me ; and indeed, I was really proud I was using my profits earned in the markets for my medical care and my physical and aestethic growth.
Yes, there were days I woke up in the morning thinking : “What am I going to do today to make some money in the market”.
And there was one tough period I thought : “Maybe I should do something else for a year or two”.
But in spite of great difficulties,little by little I went forward , even when I had some very unpleasant experience in life :
Totally rejected from all members of my family : only a sort of “politically correct” understanding, very toxical parents in particular my father (my mum had passed away many years ago) for years has tried in every way to damage not only my work, but in particular all aspects of my life (even though I was completely independent and living in another city).
“Obliged” to stop playing competitive chess in tournaments : when I was young I had been considered a national talent , many years later I was back playing in competitions, winning several tournaments in a row and thus earning the right to play the national final, but at this time I was “convinced” to give upthrough a media campaign on the net through a media campaign on the network that threatened me would spread easily on the main national newspapers (and the same happened when the next year I become a trainer).
But these experiences are nothing compared to what I have suffered in economic and financial world.
For several years I have had the intention of founding a little society of financial service professionals : the guarantees were immediately ready for society (owned by me 100 %) , the company name, company description , and all the statements which ensured my experience.
Well,my proposal was rejected 17 times (yes, seventeen !) in every place (here in Europe), and all times the answer was the same : not credible from a person like me ,obviously looking for a financial cover for “other kind of activities” (in an eventual third part might be interesting to speak my thoughts about this kind of traders and in general people from the financial world).
For this reason in the end I’ve reached the limit of an exhaustion and nervous depression , neglecting myself first and foremost as a person, also because I made the mistake of remaining all day at work in my office – from morning to evening – behind a monitor .
So I’ve stopped all my projects : I wasn’t able to devote the time I felt was necessary to my job to make me feel I was doing my best quality work.
Yes, I liked very much my work and trading, of course.
But I was tired of feeling like either a bad manager or a bad woman, as I’ve told.
And the bad result I’ve had in my last two weeks of trading (a 4% drawdown due not only to the nature of trend-following, but in particular for a mistake in sizing my positions) has accentuated my inner feelings which were inside me from a long time.
Wishing for you the very best
Ed’s answer :
Thank you for sharing your process.
You might consider taking your feelings of to Tribe.
You might also consider a response to P-K4.
